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I've collected a list of my writings, some of them when I was angry. Many I believe to be wisdom, the rest are just things muddling my mind. Either way it should be interesting enough to cure your boredom for a while.
Don't Burn Your Love Away
The first breakup that devestated me, like.. quite literally devestated me was in 10-2001 when Rob and I broke up.
I begged for him back for 4 days straight. Couldn't eat. Could do nothing but sleep. Drugged myself to stay asleep as long as I could. I wanted to die, but had to keep working to support my mother.
Something had to be done. I couldn't go on this way. I couldn't stop the pain from affecting me, as much as i wanted to stop it.
I started to pull everything that reminded me of him out of my life. I moved all pictures into a zip file with a password "iambetternow" --I took him off my aim, yahoo, icq lists and i stopping using IRC. Pictures, gifts, roses, poems, letters.. everything.. went in a box. Sealed. Burned. Gone.
I started to breathe easier. I started eating again. I was ok. Not happy, but ok. Better. This was my solution.
Recently as 8 months or so ago, I felt I needed to start burning again. Tyler's memories flooded my room, my mind, my dreams. Lori's memories flooded everything I touched. When I found out they were together without me and that she had essentially filled that void in my old life, i was devestated. There were many reasons, jealousy not being one of them.. but more than I felt I had been betrayed again.
We were not friends anymore, both mutually for our own reasons. She had abandoned me when i was sick. I was dealing with severe depression and codependance and no one was there for me. She left. She couldn't handle it.. and it is NOT that she couldn't handle it that bothered me. It was that she promised she would. She swore she would. She made me believe. She had done the same exact thing that Jeromey had done to me. Made me believe something that I couldn't deny, for once in my life since Jeromey. Something i couldn't deny, something i couldn't doubt. I truly believed that she was there for me, truly believed everything she said in the car that day..
Shortly after she had told me that she wasn't friends with Tyler anymore for many reason's I won't divulge. (After all, she told me in confidence, I'm sure), she picked me up from my house.. I told her the gall of what happened when Tyler decided he wanted to spite me to come to my house before Christmas to give my mother a gift and give me back shit he had from me. (including an empty box from something he bought online just because I had written on the inside of it.. you know like.. here.. you throw this away.) After my bitchy ignoring him and going into my room and slamming the door.. he proceeded to tell my mother that I was mad at him because of the chaos that he brought between Lori and I. My mother proceeded to tell him that Lori and I have been friends since childhood and that nothing could come between us.
After telling her this, she agreed and laughed that he was so simple to think that this was the reason I was mad at him. Then we started pondering what my mother had said. We said to eachother.. yeah.. most people don't have that.. someone that has been through a lot of shit together, who have known eachother for so long and still are inseparable.. then we just sat there.. had a moment. just bathed in it. Smiled. sighed. appreciated. Swore that we were together til the end no matter what or who. I believed in it as much as I believed in jeromey. I haven't believed in anything that doubtlessly since jeromey.. for a reason.
House of Cards.
It all came crumbling down when she told me that the discussion of her living arrangements were off topic for "our friendship's sake". There's a million things I could say about the bullshit surrounding that whole situation, but I'd digress..
The nightmares of Lori and I becoming friends again started. It was a nightly occurance. One was her chasing me through a grocery store. Another was of her and I making out and i realized that we weren't supposed to be friends. As the dreams continued through the weeks, I kept telling her that I didn't know what we did to be on speaking terms again, but I didn't want it to continue.
I started to burn.
Old clothes, gifts, letters, pictures... things i've had since my freshman year. Gone. Out of sight. Given away. As much as I could.
The dreams started to evolve when she picked up her old friend Tyler.
Nice. I guess the things she was going on and on about him before and the "never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never" that she promised Mark was a lie as well.
At this point in my life.. my depression was hitting me even harder. I didn't have anyone to be there when I was crying. I didn't have anything to do that felt worth the time. I was making up stories in my head as to why people wouldn't call back and why he wouldn't answer his phone. I got suicidal. Seriously suicidal. I've never been seriously suicidal. This frightened me.
The logical part of me decided that enough was enough. Instead of picking up the blade, I picked up the phone and called my EAP. They referred me to a therapist and I made an appointment with my medical doctor to get a prescription to Zoloft. What really scares me, even to this day, is that I was scared to tell anyone that i was suicidal. No one ever knew until recently.
The "old friends" became more, I discovered through my lack of self control and the dreams became more and more detailed, longer and unescapable. Even on the medication, I couldn't keep hold of the anger of their invasion into my dreams.
I upped my medication.
Waking up from a particularly fucked up dream, i was angry, pissed, spitting and mad as fuck. I got online and just thought of someone or something to just rant at. Zoran was online and i just started going off. I said things as irrational and mean as wanting them to fall off the face of the earth, move to another country, get the hell out of my mind and sever any contact they have through every person I know.
Zoran has always been very level headed, aware, honest and has the ability to express his thoughts in regards to what I have to say. He did not take my side, (if there was one to be had at all) instead, showed me that again, this is all on me.
I told him how I wanted to burn her and him out of my life. I described how burning people out of my life was how I got to be well again after Rob by telling him my story. He immediately pointed out that I was killing parts of myself by killing and lying to myself that these memories never happened by burning them out of my life. Essentially I was melonballing pieces of me out of my memories and leaving bleedy seepy holes that hurt and drove me insane.
I just stared at the screen. I stared in disbelief and awareness. This is the first time in a very long time that I just couldn't take in all the wonder that was the truth.. and that I was too blind to realize it.
All the recurring dreams.. they were the seeping holes of my wounds I created myself.. and kept picking at.
I started rebulding my memories. I had to. I wrote a lot. I'd lie in bed and just stare. I would write letters that would never get delivered. I went through pictures, letters, anything I had. I redid my hateful website into something I smiled when I saw. All the love in the world, I'd repeat to myself.. You deserve all the love in the world. We all do. Don't burn what made you who you are, I'd say. My therapist would just listen intently as I did my own therapy in her office, explaining why things happened the way they did with everything. I listened to songs that reminded me of all of them. Karey would diligently listen to my stories.. they were new to her, so I didn't feel like I was burdening anyone with my ramblings. We listened to eachother, really. We had a lot to get out I think.. and we've become very close. I started smiling when I would think of her.. him.. them. All of them. All of those people who's mere thought would bring the best of moods down. I still smile when i think of her memories now, even the car conversation that turned out to be a lie.. because it doesn't matter. I felt that way at the time, and I believe she did too.
The thing is.. the truth doesn't really matter. Just because it changes later, doesnt mean you didn't feel it then. Spiteful or Deception on Purpose is what I should be afraid of, not the lack of truth.. because really, truth is subjective.
I feel better. I feel normal. Nothing is bothering me anymore. I feel I can honestly say that now, and nothing has ever felt better.
The moral of the story is.. I know now that if there is something fucked up about everything in my life, chances are it's me. It's probably something I'm not looking for. It's probably something that I think is normal, or what others are trying to convince me is normal. I can't blame everyone else in my life for being shitty. I can do something about every bad situation in my life.
...and I thank Zoran with all my heart for being himself, and loving me enough to share his ideas and life with me.
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