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I've collected a list of my writings, some of them when I was angry. Many I believe to be wisdom, the rest are just things muddling my mind. Either way it should be interesting enough to cure your boredom for a while.
A Rulebook for Dating Me
IN THE BEGINNING....
Before ANYTHING at all you should know that I'm an honest person. Very very very very honest. Sometimes painfully honest. I'm not crude, but I will tell you what I think. I don't candy coat things well. I do not lie, I do not play games. This isn't a contest, game, or battle of wits. Honesty is the best thing that has ever happened to me. There is no reason in the world you have to lie for anything. I will understand whatever you need to tell me, trust me. Lying is worse than anything you have to say.
Before we even get to the "relationship" stage, everyone goes through that awkward should-we-or-shouldn't-we phase. You know, do I like him/her, should I ask him/her out, do I consider him/her a friend or what. The key to this stage is honesty. Ifyou remain honest about your feelings, no one gets hurt. Remember, honesty is the best policy.
If you like me, ask me out. We're not in high school anymore. If I liked you, I'd ask you out.
If we go on a first date, and it doesn't go well, don't bother with "I'll call you". Leave, gracefully.
If we fuck on the first date, it doesn't mean I am waiting for an engagement ring to appear on the second date. As a matter of fact, it doesn't mean anything about a relationship. Maybe you're just dead sexy.
Don't lie. I'm a professional, and I can smell a lie a mile away. You see, I wrote the manual.
Call when you say you're going to call. Because, otherwise, I will wait for you to call. And that's not nice.
Don't play footsie over dinner and then behave like nothing has transpired. Hello, have you not seen "Flashdance"?
Don't tell my friends that you think I'm cool and special unless you mean it. Remember the rule of telephone: you tell my friends, they tell me. I end up thinking you're cool and special. Then, when you don't do anything I'll be forced to realize you're not.
If you're bi, tell me up front. If you're confused about your sexuality, don't take it out on me and don't get me entangled in your web of confusion. Plus, if I dig it, think of all the fun junk we could do together.
Don't use being drunk as an excuse for "accidentally" kissing me.
If you kiss me, drunk or not, you have a BIG KISS to deal with.
Don't call me if you haven't gotten over your last girlfriend/boyfriend/mother.
I'm not an understudy for a psycho-romantic-drama.
Don't tell me the mother of your child isn't even in your life anymore. Don't tell me you never see your child. People who have had a child with someone else are into something for the rest of their lives that I just don't want to be a part of. We can always be friends.
Don't monopolize the conversations with anecdotes about yourself (unless they're really funny). Remember to chat. Asking questions out of sincere interest is very attractive.
Don't use the I'm-not-ready-for-a-relationship excuse. I'll think you're trying to get rid of me by relying on stale, uninspired stock-phrases. Talk it through, honestly.
Don't screen my calls. It's weird, creepy and lame.
Do not pretend to like me in order to fuck me. If you want to fuck me, tell me. I can engage in sexual discourse without becoming emotionally attached, and I could always use a boy toy.
Do not tell me that you want to spend the weekend with me and then call me at 10:30 on a Thursday night to bail. Or not call at all. I won't be devastated/emotionally crushed if you don't want to hang out. Of course, I will be disappointed, but being blown off/dissed is much less damaging than not knowing and wondering why. The latter is based on deception, which does not allow for resolution of feelings; the former is based on true feelings, which demands closure.
Don't be afraid to fall in like with me, you big baby.
Don't kiss and tell. But, because I know you will, you slob, do me the favor of not degrading me. If you can remember to mention that I'm cool or funny or smart and that you're super lucky to even be telling your friends about my naked-action, you'll at least not be adding insult to the injury.
If we live in different cities, and we know we are attracted to each other, don't get all huffy on me when I ask, "So, when will you be in town again?"
Don't be afraid of falling in like with me just because I live in a different city. Long-distance romances have their advantages.
Sure, it is hard to base your feelings on phone calls but look at all the fun parts of a long-distance romance: we don't have to get married, we don't have to see each other all the time, it allows complete exploitation of one's own sexual freedom and don't forget the keyword in romance: anticipation.
THE RELATIONSHIP
Don't pester me with lame-ass questions like, "Where is this relationship going?" A relationship is a dynamic and vital form of expression, not a bad plot line or two lost motorists.
Marriage is bad, Mkay? Why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free?
If we are engaged in a long-distance romance, do not freak out when you ring me up at 3 am my time and I am not there. I have a life too, but that does not mean I am out somewhere having sex with someone else.
Don't get all bent out of shape if I earn more money than you. It's either old-school machismo or new-school oversensitivity. Just hang, bud, lunch is on me. Today.
Don't try to one-up me. If my week was crazy, don't insist yours was crazier. If mine was fantastic, don't insist yours was fantastic-er. Be supportive. That always works wonders.
Don't go on tour with your stupid band and call me when you feel like it.
Honesty. Honesty. Honesty. Don't say you were worried about where I was last night thinking I got in a car accident. Say you were scared I was out cheating on you. Don't insist that she's just a friend when you want her nuts. Say you're curious about fucking her. I just might let you. Nothing, absolutly NOTHING can be so terrible that you have to lie to me. I'm the most understanding person you will EVER meet.
Don't borrow my car to cheat on me. I don't want to make payments on the source of a painful memory.
Don't tell me you were drunk and don't know how you ended up in some girl's bed naked with a couple of used condoms strewn around the bed.
Don't call me a jealous freak and then act all jealous when you see me cracking up with other boyz. Hypocrisy gets you a one way ticket out the door.
Don't tell me you are having lunch with her because you don't want to hurt her feelings. You're not that nice, she's not that weak, and I am not that stupid.
Don't come home from vacation with: hickeys on your neck; strange underwear in your suitcase; receipts from Victoria's secret; a box of condoms with a bunch missing; an unexpected rash; scratches on your back.
Do come home from vacation lovesick for me with a big cool present and a bouncy hard-on.
Don't squeeze my juicy butt at parties to prove you own me. Squeeze it at home to prove you want me, right now.
Don't forget to introduce me to your friends, unless you know I won't like them. In which case, hey thanks.
Don't try to get the waitress's phone number while I'm at the table, or wait until I go to the bathroom and then immediately break-up with me upon my return.
Don't show all the naked pictures of me you've taken to your loser friends.
Don't pretend you were out with the boys last night when I know for a fact that you weren't. HONESTY HONESTY HONESTY. There isn't an excuse ever!
Don't put your friends before me. It's me, me, me, first, first, first. Always.
Don't put my choice of friends down. Remember, I never let them put you down, clown.
Don't act like we never talked about going to the Virgin Isles together; I'm rarely given to complete delusion.
Don't order me diet food while I am in the bathroom. Order me cake. Something with chocolate fudge would be great.
Don't tell me: not to get hysterical; not to overreact; that I am imagining things; that I am on the rag.
Don't forget my birthday, for God's sake.
Do not raise your voice; It will only put me off and make me want to remain silent while you lose control of yourself, at which point you will no longer be in control-you'll just be wound up.
Don't tell me in an exasperated tone that you have told her over and over again never to call. Here's a thought: if you hang up, she won't call back.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not get possessive. Nothing scares a girl off faster than a possessive partner. If I am having lunch with a colleague and bump into my ex-lover at their office, it does not mean I stole a "quickie" in the bathroom while my colleague was getting her coat. Please. This can not be stressed enough. If I am with you, there is a reason. Especially if I am no longer with him.
SEX
DO NOT ever fuck me, come inside me, and then say "I gotta go," 'cause if you do, you'd better.
Do not fuck me on Sunday and not call me till Wednesday. Call me on Monday. Remember this little rhyme: Sunday called Monday in One day.
Morning breath is not a disease. We both have it, so get over it and kiss me when we wake up together.
Don't touch all the good parts while I'm sleeping unless it's with intent to wake me.
Don't sniff my undies. It creeps me out.
Don't keep telling me your parents won't hear us.
Don't ask me to fuck your friends. How would you like it if I asked you to...wait.
Don't ask me how many guys I've slept with. I can barely keep count sometimes.
Don't ever try to have sex with me with your socks on. It makes me think of Woody Allen and Richard Nixon. And look at them.
"Don't touch" doesn't mean "Wait, touch".
Don't forget that foreplay means the play before and play is fun.
Don't forget that my nipples are not detachable, nor can they tune in Tokyo.
Don't get up-tight if I want to masturbate. Help or watch; it looks pretty cool.
Don't ask me to count my orgasms after we do it.
Don't tell me how any of your old girlfriends "did anything". Put that stupid shoe on the other foot and see how ugly it looks.
Don't tell me I'm cute when I am trying to be sexy. Pay attention.
Don't have sex while you're answering the phone.
Don't say, "Thanks it was fun!"
Don't say, "I don't want to hurt you." If I tell you I like to be: pushed around; strangled; squeezed; clawed; it means that i like to be etc.etc.
Don't use the following excuses to get out of spending the night with me: have to get up early; curfew; roommate may get lonely; must walk dog. Be honest.
Don't tell me to go down on you first if you are planning to absolutely not go down on me.
Don't ask me to swallow anything you wouldn't swallow yourself.
Don't tell me that condoms: don't fit; don't feel good; you're allergic.
Don't watch TV during sex unless its porn.
Don't ask me if you're the best; it's not a contest.
Don't look at me funny when I say I want it the other way. Quit being a homophobic spaz.
Don't tell me this won't hurt.
Don't tell me you can pull out in time.
Don't tell me I'm not wet enough, like it's an insult.
Don't ever ask me if my trip to the gynecologist is a turn-on.
Do not insist on videotaping our sexcapades. If you want to make me your fucking co-star, ask me if I'd like the part.
AND
Coming is not the be all end all of sex. Sex is like life. Its a journey and an adventure, not a destination. If I don't come, you're not a failure if I had fun and enjoyed myself. That does't mean that you shouldn't try harder next time tho.
modified and edited by pandora raighn /// Source - www.BUST.com
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